Think of Him
by Starling-chan
Summary: Tsuzuki doesn't think about liking Hisoka. So he never really thinks about the fact the Hisoka is, well, a guy.


Think of Him

Notes/Explanation: Anybody who's read the manga will have noticed how Tsuzuki tends to spazz out when gayness is mentioned. (Other characters, too, but just focusing on him is plenty, thanks.) And then we all go and ignore it. The fact that absolutely _none_ of the fics (that I remember reading, at least) mention this at all kind of got to me, I guess. Not that I blame anyone; I tend to write it off as Matsushita trying to tell us that THIS MANGA BE STRAIGHT, PEOPLE!!1! But it's still _there_, so I tried to write a fic for it. And this is the (pathetic) result.

Warnings: frustrated/confused author, abuse of parentheses and italics. Shounen-ai hints, but what else can you expect?

Disclaimer: Do Not Own

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Tsuzuki never really thought about liking Hisoka. It's just something that was always there, from the day they met (he _had_ only been half-joking about kissing him that time). Probably because of that- because it just seems so... _natural_- Tsuzuki never really noticed that Hisoka is, well, a _guy_.

Tsuzuki likes women. Like Hisea, for instance. So (he would reason to himself,) he can't be gay. Which means that however he likes Hisoka, it isn't like _that_. Except that it is. Tsuzuki always acts like his flirting with Hisoka is just a joke, but he doesn't think anyone's fooled. Not even himself, or at least not anymore. Hisoka remains clueless (Tsuzuki thinks), but he's not even certain of that anymore. (more than that, Tsuzuki isn't too sure of whether he _wants_ Hisoka to be clueless or not)

_He really does look cute when he blushes._ And everybody appreciates cute things (or people), right? But thinking that Hisoka looks _beautiful_ is a bit different, isn't it? As are the dreams Tsuzuki sometimes has, and those random urges to just kiss or hug him...

On the first several nights that Tsuzuki starts thinking about all this, it doesn't take him long before he finds his way to a bar and proceeds to get drunk. And then he doesn't think about it for a long time, and when he finally does, he gets drunk again. And repeat.

But tonight he doesn't have the money to get drunk. So he's staying in his little apartment, not sleeping. (he tried distracting himself, but that didn't really work. Especially since whenever he tries to think of something else, he ends up thinking about Hisoka, and how he looks like he hasn't been sleeping much lately, and how maybe they can do something together this weekend-) So really, he might as well try to figure things out, right?

First question, then. _Do I love Hisoka?_ His immediate answer is 'yes', so the next question would be _how, exactly?_ because he definitely loves Watari and Tatsumi and Wakaba and all the others (...not Terazuma, though...), but that's different. So it's not just friendship. (speaking of Watari, maybe Tsuzuki can ask him for help? ...No, that wouldn't work- wouldn't be _right_; he has to deal with this himself) But if it's not friendship, then...

...Hisoka told him, _I belong with you_. And Tsuzuki agrees; no matter what, he always wants to be with Hisoka. Of all the partners he's ever had, losing Hisoka would hurt him the most.

So where does all this leave him?

_You're an idiot, Asato._ He is, too. It's so obvious (has been to everyone; why else would there be that office betting pool?), and yet he can't figure it out. So he likes (loves) Hisoka; so what? What does it matter that they're both men? (Tsuzuki chuckles, thinking of how Hisoka always insists (tries to), in action and words, that he's not a child. He probably only needs to prove that to himself...) In the end, it's not all that important, is it? As long as Hisoka's happy, Tsuzuki will be. He'll just be that much happier if they can share that happiness. And in any case, Hisoka is Hisoka first, and anything else (like a guy) second.

(if he wants to, Tsuzuki can always remind himself that society in general is a lot more tolerant of homosexuality than it had been when he was growing up. So maybe he should go with that...)

A sigh. _So now what?_ Well, (Tsuzuki decides) he'll just go to work like always, act normal. Maybe invite Hisoka to dinner some time. Deal with things as they come.

(and when he confesses, months later, he somehow isn't surprised when Hisoka's response is _I know_)

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I... don't really like how this came out, to be honest, but I just don't have it in me to rewrite it any more times. So here it is... Review and let me know how I did, please!


End file.
